His Paine, His Torment
by Topaz989
Summary: This was written back when I was up and struggling. I've now have it updated to the TOoT instead of ALttP.


His Paine, his Torment

Note:Don't take this seriously. **PROLOGUE**

It was another day in Hyrule as Link and Zelda walked down the coblestone roads of the Hyrule Market. The sun shined brightly as the two chit chatted together and held hands. Suddenly....   
"STALFOS!!!!" a woman shrieked as she gathered her children. Everyone turned their heads over to see a dozen of Stalfos charging towards them. The crowd scattered and havoc reigned as the Stalfos started tearing up the place.   
"Zelda, go and contact the guards. I'll try to hold them back as much as possible," said Link as he turned towards her and drew his trusty Master Sword.  
Zelda nodded her head. "Be careful."  
"I will." And with that Link ran towards the Stalfos. As he ran the sword began to Scharge up with energy. As soon as he got within distance he swung it, letting loose the mystic energies, killing about five around. Link continued to fight them until.....  
"OWWWWW!!!" Link shrieked as he dropped his sword and clenched a side of his face.   
"LINK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?" asked Navi.  
"I don't know." he muttered. Just when a Stalfo was about to jab the sword down his back, three arrows flew and nailed the Stalfo, killing it. Sir Richard rushed over to Link, helped him up, and took him towards the hospital while the rest of the army arrived and stopped the Stalfo attack.  


In the Healing Chambers.......  
Sir Richard helped Link over to a chair and placed him there. Link clutched the side of his face. Sir Richard walks over to the counter and rings the bell.  
"Can I help you?" said an old woman.  
"Something's wrong with Link."   
"Hmmm, do you have insurance?"   
Link turned his over.  
"Why would I have insurance?" mumbled Link. The woman shook her head as Sir Richard took his hand and slapped his own face.  
"I can't believe you forgot to apply for insurance. DO YOU REALIZE YOU CAN LOSE YOUR 'HERO OF TIME' LICENSE!!"   
"Oh come ON," complained Link.  
"All right, I'll let it slide... for now. Now, please fill out these forms." she said as she pulled out a box of scrolls.  
"WHAT?!"   
"I expect them to be in duplicate. When you are finished, you can see Dr. Gotwald." she said as she handed Link a bottle of ink and a quill.  


Five hours and three blisters later.......  
Link crawled to the attendant's desk. His face was a ghostly white. With a quivering hand, he slams the last of the papers on the counter as the attendant filed her nails. She looked over at the paper and carefully picked it up.  
"Okay Mr....." the woman's eyes shifted to the paper for a second.  
_'I'm in excruciating pain, you fat-ass bitch'_ , the Doctor is ready to see you, now," she spoke as she checked her reflection in the Master Sword to see if she smudged her lipstick. 

In the Lobby..... "I don't know what is wrong with him. He was fighting when all of a sudden, he cringed in pain." explained Navi to Zelda.   
"Those Stalfos must've had something to do with it. I know it." mumbled Zelda. "This has to be Ganondorf's doing. I swear on my father's grave, he will pay.... HE_WILL_PAY!!!" murmured Zelda as her eyes burned.   
Then, all of a sudden, the nurse walked in. "You may visit the patient now."  
Zelda and Navi went into Link's room. He sat there with a mellow look on his face wearing a white hospital gown. A preacher was on his left side clutching his hand.  
_"Remember, Farore will always guide your light towards the heavens where you will be granted peace and harmony...._" the preacher chanted.   
_"Zelda...*cough cough*, is_that_ you?"_ moaned Link as he rose his right hand.   
_"I'm here Link. Don't worry, Dr.Gotwald is one of the greatest doctors in the world. If he can't save you. Then no one possible can,"_ she spoke as she knealt down and held his hand at her cheek. Tears streamed down her eyes.  
_"Link... there was so much I wanted to....."  
"Shhhhhh, don't cry, *wheeze*...."  
"Link... please don't die.... if I were to known this would happen.... I would have sent you back seven years like I was suppose to...."  
"*cough cough* Its not your fault.......*cough* I talked you out of it...."_She colapsed on his chest. Link could feel her tears soak through as he placed his hand on her back._"Oh Link...I--I---lo*,"_  
,Dr.Gotwald walked in and interupts the two.....  
"I'm sorry, Link. I have found what is wrong with you and it doesn't look good."  
"What is it Dr.Gotwald? Is he cursed?"  
"Worse."  
"Does he have an illness?" asked Zelda.  
"Nope."  
"IS HE GONNA DIE???" Navi shrieked.  
"No, but when you find out what you have.... I'm pretty sure you would want it that way." he replied.   
_"Go on...*cough cough* I can... take it*cough cough*," _he mumbled weakly."Link, you have..............................................   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
a root canal." 

**CHAPTER 2: THE SEARCH FOR PAINE**

  
"NOOOOO, it can't be true. I floss everyday, I brush after EVERY meal....."  
"I'm sorry, Link. It is all my fault." said a voice. All of a sudden there was a sphere of energy and Rauru appeared before them. "Forgive me, Link. When you were asleep for seven years. I used my sage energy to transform you into clothes that fit, I had your hair washed with "Herbal Essence" shampoo. However I did not have any toothpaste. I went over to Wal-Mart and I felt hungry so I bought a can of "Sour Cream and Onion flavored Pringles. When it came to choosing a toothpaste I didn't have much money. Yes Link, I admit it. I bought the generic crap." Rauru lowered his head in shame as the Preacher got up.   
"May Din, have mercy on your soul." he said as he left. Link laid there, he was about to cry.   
"But I don't wanna to go to the dentist," he whined.  
"I'm sorry Link. Your root canal is pretty bad. Considering that it is seven years old. You must travel to the 'Neo Geo Mountains' to Dr. Paine," replied Dr. Gotwald as he wrote a Doctor's note and handed it to him.   
"Hmmm, nice name for a dentist. I'm sure he must get A LOT of customers," Navi said sarcastically.  
"You better go now. The faster you get there, the sooner the pain will stop," said the nurse as she handed Link's clothes back.   
After paying the hospital bill, Link, Zelda, and Navi were on the trail to Neo Geo Mountain.   
"Why did the dentist had to live so far away?" asked Link as he clenched his cheek.   
"Easy, ever since Ganondorf took over the Sony Plains, Neo Geo Mountain was the only place available that accepted the practice of Dentistry," said Navi.  
"Hey Zel, how come Dentistry isn't accepted in Hyrule?" asked Link.  
_"Psst- because she freaked out when they told her that she needed braces for her overbite,"_ whispered Navi.  
"I HEARD THAT!! Do you realize how fast my popularity will DROP if I become a metal-mouth!!" she complained until they reached there. Inside there was slightly pudgy man at the counter wearing a yellow cap with a "W" on it.   
"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!" screamed someone from one of the dentist's rooms. Link began to sweat heavily as the pain in his mouth throbbed more and more.   
"Do you have dental insurance?" asked Wario.  
"Uh, no," replied Link as he clenched his cheek. It felt as if someone was jamming a nail in his tooth. He was going to kill Rauru for this.  
"Please fill these forms out in triplicate," he said as he shoved a bunch of papers towards Link. Link groaned as he began sighing the papers(again). He felt horrible. The throbbing got worse. His stomach twisted as the thought of some madman scraping at his pretty pearls.   
After he was done. He handed them to the man.  
"The dentist is ready to see you now."  
"NO, I CHANGED MY MIND! I'M NOT GOING, YOU CAN'T FORCE ME TO GO!!" cried Link as he clutched on the arm of the couch while Zelda desperately pried him away from it.  
"LINK, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A CHILD... AGAIN! GROW UP AND GET THAT DAMN TOOTH DRILLED! THE SOONER YOU GET IT DONE THE FASTER THIS STUPID STORY WILL BE OVER WITH!" shouted Zelda as she grabbed him by the pointy ear and dragged him towards Dr.Paine's room.  
"Zelda, I'm fine, SEE, the doctor must have made a mistake and I feel*chringe* fine." smiled Link as Zelda looked at him. She gave him a sour look. She took her hand and patted the side of his cheek. "Ow"  
"You're going to see Dr. Paine whether you like it or not,"she said firmly. They reached the room and stood before the door. Link could hear that same screaming person.  
Link went down on his knees and pulled on her dress like a beggar. "Zelda, you can't do this to me. It's just unconstitutional. Don't you see? I'm about to be violated. Say, remember ALL those times I rescued you?" he pointed out as he ran in front blocking the door.  
"LINK! You have to this. I know how much you will suffer and how miserable you will be," said Zelda but then she was inturupted when the door opens.  
Standing there in a very short, tight, white, dress was a brunette woman. Link's eyes widened as the first button of the dress revealed a little cleavage.  
"Hi, Dr.Paine retired from Dentistry yesterday. I will be your new dentist. My name is Dr.Croft from the Republic of Eidios but you all may call me Lara. Please take a seat Mr.Link," said the British vixen as she flipped over her notes. "Hmmm, maybe we should reschedule your appointment.We are all out of anesthetics and there will be alot of excruciating pain....."  
"I don't care. I'm not afraid," replied Link as he ran into the chair and leapt right in.  
"LINK WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT TALK ABOUT VIOLATION?!!"  
complained Zelda. Link's eyes shifted towards Lara as she accidentally drops a pencil and knelt over(very_VERY_low) to pick it up.   
"She can violate me any time of the week," he said smiling as Lara leaned over him to place a 'dentist bib' on him.   
Zelda stomped right out. "ARRRGHHH---MEN--- anytime there is a woman that has a 35D bust....."All of a sudden, Wario approached Zelda.   
"Well Zelda, according to your dental records, you still haven't received your braces yet," he grunted.  
"But.... but"   
"No 'buts', your father had already had it paid for and will chew my ass if I don't see it done.Now come with me."   


An hour later......  
Link, walked out of the room with a silver crown on his left molar, a balloon in the shape of a tooth and a smile on his face.   
"Well Link, you were my best patient yet. I've never met anyone who was as calm as you. You seemed to be smiling all throughout the drilling, the removal of the pulp of the root and when I accidently hit that nerve," complemented Lara.  
"It was nothing. I wasn't scared or nothing when I walked up here," Link bragged. "Hey Navi, where's Zel?"   
All of a sudden Zelda leaves this one room with all sorts of brackets on her teeth.   
"Remind me to announce that I won't be seen in public till I get my retainer in six months," grumbled Zelda. They then heard some more screaming.  
"Damn, what are you people doing to that poor person?" asked Navi.  
"Oh, him, my assistant is cleaning his teeth." All of a sudden Ganondorf runs out of the room wearing a bib, screaming for his life with Topaz following, with a pick in her left hand.  


THE END

NOTES

This was my first silly fic I ever did(about three or four years ago). I know its alittle corny at someplaces. Some of the heroes you wouldn't remember like, Lolo, or Athena and the old characters from A Link To the Past. So I updated it with different people. Nearly all the rest have been kept in its original state. Also the name of the dentist "Paine". Is the real name of my doctor believe it or not. Dr.Gotwald is my dentist. I've always wanted to be a dentist. Send me some feedback at Topaz989mc@icqmail.com.That's the stuff that keeps me writing. 


End file.
